In 1998, I met someone I 'knew' was someone I was meant to connect with; yet, not for long. However, the decision made was one that would challenge my integrity (personal truth) as well as conflict with society's expectations. What an appropriate test! And, I mean test.... you see, I firmly believe each one of us fundamentally knows what's best for us and we consistently make choices in order to challenge this knowing. Why? Look at it this way, why does a child do something you ask him or her not to do? To test what they're hearing as well as what they suspect to be true. Sadly, adults discount the inner wisdom of a child ultimately squelching the impulsive, free spirit. As we grow, we take on doubting ourselves. The interessting twist to this concept is even though we doubt, we never give up the test ... that is what I'm talking about.
There are some schools of thought stating that self doubt is bad and harmful. What if it's not? What if it's our way of waking ourselves up? Let's face it, many of us love a good game. Maybe this is our way of keeping life interesting....hmmmm ... AND, if it's a wake up call, that means we are providing ourselves with a choice. In this moment of noticing the feelings of disappointment and let down, we are present and aware which lends itself to the choice of either perpetuating the awarenes or simply slipping back into 'life continuing to happen to you'.....the choice is clearly yours.
However, for those of us who like to have some sense of what's going on (otherwise known as control freaks), we must practice paying attention to how we feel in any given moment about any given situation. Our feelings will guide us and even though we truly do not have a say about how things ultimately go, we are tapped into Source and going with the flow. We're aware of the next step, trusting the value of the process. According to Deepak Chopra, this is another way of saying, 'detached intention'.
If you are as much of a control freak as I am, it'll take some time to peel your fingers from the steering wheel; however, I say go for it. Pretend life is a roller coaster ... raise your arms ... laugh AND cry ... let it all out. Emotions are the vehicle for releasing cellular memory. If you don't release, you'll never shift your experience in life. This is what I suspect to be the reason why many people do not take the risk of following their hunches / heart. They are afraid the emotions will never stop; that life will not be different; that they're destined to be heavy, unhappy, stuck in a rut; or they are such control freaks they need to know exactly how things are going to go (can you say fear?). Again, it's really ok if you don't want to take chances....I'm just attempting to stir the fires in those on the verge of going for it....
What was the result of that relationship? A divorce even though I struggled with the commitment I made as well as what the world would think. My realization was this: for many years, I was committed to challenge,growth, and self love. Staying in a situation I knew I didn't belong in was going against my commitment to myself and it became a question of which commitment was bigger. Each one of us faces similar levels of commitment and it takes courage as well as awareness to distinguish the differences and how to prioritize them.